“It doesn’t mean that much to me, to mean that much to you.” –Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

I’ve found that recent relationships have given me reason to loose faith in the male gender. Not completely, and it’s a fleeting loss (oxy-moron?), my freakishly heightened optimism will eventually kick back on, so this is only a temporary glitch, of this I am sure. It doesn’t mean, however, it hasn’t absorbed into my conscious, subconscious, marrow. This saddens me greatly, for extending the benefit of the doubt happens to be my forte, a quality I admire in myself as much as others and I’ve observed in few. I am one of the lucky ones. But, with this extension comes the risk of being walked across, pushed inconsiderately aside, for people begin to think another chance lies beyond, and another, and another…

Any intelligent person would see this as a nasty pattern, one that should be nipped in the bud immediately. The expression Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice shame on me, comes to mind. But, this sounds like the bitter woman’s mantra, and while I am a woman, bitter is an adjective I would never use to describe myself. I’ve found too many times mistakes are often just that, miscalculations or miscommunications that simply get lost in translation. It happens, and it will. I’m not unrealistic, nor unforgiving. Human nature is imperfect; therein lays the beauty of people. How would we know what we are capable of if not pushed? If not forced to choose between an easy dismissal and compassion? As you may have already guessed, the latter happens to be a weakness and I often find I am alone with that as a companion. Which, often provides better company, I must admit, than the alternative; having the wool pulled over your eyes by someone who you thought was incapable of being anything but considerate.

So, what has shaken my beliefs, made me seriously ponder the credit I (time and time again, I must embarrassingly admit) keep sprinkling on unworthy, unappreciative, unresponsive candidates? The answer is in the question. Doling out myself, my kindness to those who continue to take it, without reciprocation.

Chances do in fact grow on my tree…and they have been plucked time and time again by too greedy of hands. I have realized that while bitterness is not becoming, hesitation can be and in my case, should be exercised at times. Go with your gut. This phrase has been thrown at me by my, “no one will ever be good enough for you” mother. While her reasoning may be askew (someone, somewhere will indeed be good enough, as they will have captivated and appreciated me enough to keep me with them), I have found that her advice to instinctually follow that little voice inside your head (and stomach), usually winds up being what follows the, “I should have…”

If you ever feel as though you’re talking yourself into someone, listing on hand the bones they have thrown to your starved pallet of forgiveness, you must remember that, if it seemed too easy for them to dismiss your hurt feelings, they probably weren't ever considered.